she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
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