he wants to bone in the snuggie
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
Randomize
