Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
Randomize
