my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
The Lion King Is on YouTube
Until 2 minutes ago I actually had a chance to pass my midterms... thanks alot
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
Randomize
