I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
operation harelip BJ is a go
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
My vagina just clenched in fear
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
