I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
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fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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