I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
