I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
if he wont fuck me on the stairamster then i dont think theres much XXX shit going down
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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