I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
He'd rather cuddle with his shitty little miniature dog than the half naked girl in his bed. I've lost all hope for him and my vagina
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
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