I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
At one point she put on my dads pants and yelled after him EMILIOOOO! Dude, my dads name is Mark.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
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