last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I mean you're asking high Chelsea. I'd sell myself for a rice crispy
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
