All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
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