Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
Randomize
