I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
Randomize
