apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Well... Chad blew off half of his hand last night. We were able to find most of it.
Randomize
