I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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