It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
