YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
