I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Randomize
