I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
