I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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