her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
By getting lucky do you mean I get one of your incredible BJs or you not killing me by the end of dinner?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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