Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
to do: lose virginity to hamster dance
My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
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