I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
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tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
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