I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
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