The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
All I know is that I woke up in a soccer players' dorm, and he said that I kept telling him my mouth was a "net for his balls" last night at the bar..
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
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