I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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