Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
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