He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Randomize
