At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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