Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize