The brown eye won't let me do that either.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
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