i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
3 hour lecture of my biology teacher talking about isotopes and space shuttles. I'm way too high for this.
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