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he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
im calling her cock vulture from now on
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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