My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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