I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
And then he peed in my hair
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
