Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
Randomize
