oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
Randomize
