Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
We already gave up cheese, how are we supposed to give up coke?
Randomize
