Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!
come help me. im curled up in the fetal position on the upper floor of the lib. please bring more caffeine or alcohol
its ok. its hell week the lib is a no judgment zone right now
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
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