she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
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