What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
