the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
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