I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
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