I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
We smell like vodka and hangover
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