And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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