Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Randomize
