I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
