We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
