Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My apartment stinks of burning failure
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
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