Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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