i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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