Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Randomize
