I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
Randomize
