she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
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