Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
ARE YOU THINKING VAGINA THEMED RESTAURANT
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
