dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
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She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
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i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
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