I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
