I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
My alarm clock on my phone was changed to Fat Bottom Girls over the weekend, and I just now noticed. I'm actually okay w that after Mardi Gras. Well done, random. Well done.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
Randomize
