Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
