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Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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