she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I look like a bag of dicks so if you could ugly yourself up that'd be great.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
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